I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
You Might Also Like
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch