“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
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[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
Mhm.
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.