This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
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a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby