Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
You Might Also Like
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.