If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
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My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted