Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
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Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.