Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
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Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
My 4yo niece: do you have a girlfriend?
Me: no
Niece: a boyfriend?
Me: no
[pause]Niece: do you have a friend?
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
I think the cat got the dog high.
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
Beware of fowl play.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case