Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
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I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
I drew y’all a little something.
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.