*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
You Might Also Like
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.