me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
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My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
Twitter fine art
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
Travel bloggers during quarantine
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew