“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
You Might Also Like
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
same vibe as tangled headphones
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.