Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
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Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*