Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
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Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
Thursday
Cause of death: Zumba
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate