Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
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Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.