Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
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As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
scrabbled eggs
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you