I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
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Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd