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[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
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No, why?
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”