Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
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Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
Not helping
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.