wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
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that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.