Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
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No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.