My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
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[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
hmm conte-me mais
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.