Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
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You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
the three branches of government
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
gm
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you