COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
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Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
March 16
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening