Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
You Might Also Like
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
boat question
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
Sorry I slowed down but I had to calculate if the bridge could hold the weight of my car with all the stuffed animals my kids insisted on bringing on vacation