We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
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It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
Natty or not?
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?