Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
You Might Also Like
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords