5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
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She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
bury ourselves
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
Spotted in New Orleans.
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most