Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
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If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
Brb my Sims are getting married
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys