[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
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Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.