Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
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i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
Imagine having a party on purpose.
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.