Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
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My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK