My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
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Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
i actually laughed 😩
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”