I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
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“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol