During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
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Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
That’s enough internet for the day
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
man i love columbo
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.