boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
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You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
fired
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.