i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
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“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?