I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
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Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
PARKOUR
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
This is my pinned tweet