Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
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you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
Just a reminder, folks:
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
Once again not all heroes wear capes
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”