her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
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Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it