“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
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Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
How all things should be taught/explained.
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola