I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
You Might Also Like
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
won’t smith
Oh thanks BBC.
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
Not even remotely sorry.
no their not
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
Sophomore year I called my mom excited to tell her I had declared my majors. Me: “I’m gonna double major in drama & sociology” Her: “Drama & sociology?! Whatcha gonna do with THAT ACT LIKE YOU’RE HELPING PEOPLE” 🤷🏾♀️😂
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean