I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
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I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend