Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
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The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?