when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
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Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
i’m eating chili cheese fries past 7 pm like i’m not someone who pulled a back muscle on the toilet reaching for the toilet paper roll.
paddle faster i hear baby shark
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”