“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
You Might Also Like
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
❤️🦆
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him