Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
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Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
this is the news I live for
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
nice challenge
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
Breaking news:
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery