On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
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Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’