Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
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Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
Why are coroners in movies always eating sandwiches? Anyway… Good Morning.
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”