I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
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I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)