glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
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Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
How to find Kentucky on a map
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
I forgot to take my meds so I’m looking forward to joining the squirrels in the tree to talk politics
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.